Communication is the greatest tool that we have in relationships. It is also the tool that we abuse to destroy and make rock relationships. As we talk we need to know really what takes part in communication. Communication is created by three parts; words, tones, and non-verbal. The interesting part of these three parts how much is paid attention to by people. 14% is words, 35% is tone and 51% is non-verbal. This helps us understand really what we need to do in our conversations to help others better understand us. This is one of the biggest reasons on why exaggeration, and sarcasm are really poor ways to communicate. I want to talk today on good communication skills that are needed during arguments and disagreements that might get a bit too heated.

            Great communication during heated moments takes empathy, assertiveness, and respect. Empathy is probably the hardest one to master because it takes time to learn to step into others shoes and see their perspective on the situation. One of the best ways to start on learning empathy is using the disarming technique. This is a way to drop ones own defenses and help the other person drop their own defenses so there is no more attacking the other person. The disarming technique uses finding a kernel of truth in what the other person is saying and going off of that. This is hard because sometimes the truth is hard and hurts a lot. This happens all the time to me, my wife will wake up and see the house a mess and we get into a small fight. She tells me that I’m lazy and don’t help around the house and some other things. For me to find the kernel of truth I need to tell her that yeah sometimes or a lot of the time I do not help around the house. I don’t try to retort with facts or thoughts but own up to my own mistakes. After this I need to express empathy on her thoughts and emotions. This helps feelings be spread and helps both sides know more about the situation. The last part of the empathy part of this way of how to settle down fights is inquiry. Talk more on the topic so that there is more understanding and each person really knows every thing they can about the discussion.

            The next part that I need to tell you about is being assertive. This is being very clear and direct in what you say and how you say it. This is a four-step process to really be assertive. The first step is talking about when. This needs really direct like “Yesterday when you made fun of me in front of our friends”. This tells when and where really helping the other know what is going to be talked about. Then you say I felt statement. This is not going to be I felt like you didn’t like me. This is not a feeling. Instead say something like I felt betrayed and sad. This shows what the action did to the others feelings, then the third step is why. This is why the action hurt one’s feelings. This could be “this made me feel hurt and sad because you made me feel that you would do anything for a laugh” or “you made me feel sad because you seemed like you really only want me around to make fun of me”. The fourth step is setting up what you hope they would do in the future. This could be as simple as “in the future I would like you to find other material to make jokes”.

            The last part to helping the situation is my favorite respect. This is a single step that is super simple. Express gratitude and authentic appreciation. This is just showing that no matter what you love and care for the other. This could be as simple as “I really like that you show love for me by doing the dishes every night”.